I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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