Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
