I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
