Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
