saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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