I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
