Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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