the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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