you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
