my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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