she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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