I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
