What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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