i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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