I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
