So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
