It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
