Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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