You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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