Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
