theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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