Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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