FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
