i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
