I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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