My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
worst night to have a conscience
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
