Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
