I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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