i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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