I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
