Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
