so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
