Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
