I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
