I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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