i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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