I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was like eating out sand paper
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
