i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
