everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
