I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
