dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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