I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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