had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
