During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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