I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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