hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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