did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
