just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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