I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
