I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
